I’m quite the expert on p …
I’m quite the expert on palmistry, I’ve written a handbook
Continue ReadingI can’t believe that out …
I can’t believe that out of my 378 so-called ‘friends’ on facebook, only 12 said Happy Birthday to me today. Really, what do I pay these people for?
Continue ReadingI got sacked today for be …
I got sacked today for being ‘drunk at the workplace.’ I think I was misunderstood when I said I was “wasted doing this job.”
Continue ReadingA man went to a psychiatr …
A man went to a psychiatrist. “Doctor, you must help me,” he pleaded. “Every time I date a girl, I end up in bed with her. And afterward, I dump her and then feel guilty and depressed for a week.” “I see,” nodded the psychiatrist. “And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will […]
Continue ReadingLast night I said to my m …
Last night I said to my mate,”My wife wants to be double penetrated but lets keep it between you and me.”
Continue ReadingAfter much consideration, …
After much consideration, a childless couple decide to try artificial insemination. The woman goes to the clinic for her first appointment and is told to take her knickers off and place her feet in the stirrups. When she is ready the doctor comes in and proceeds to remove his trousers too, saying, “Well, you wanted […]
Continue ReadingI love my job. Colleagues …
I love my job. Colleagues have been writing names on the food in the office fridge – I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie. How cute!
Continue ReadingI feel quite sorry for al …
I feel quite sorry for all the British athletes who went to Africa to make films for Sport Relief. It must be really depressing for them to realise that even starving AIDS victims with no shoes are better at running than them.
Continue ReadingMy teacher said “Those wh …
My teacher said “Those who don’t hear, must feel.” Apparently raping a girl when she doesn’t respond to my flirting, isn’t what he meant…
Continue ReadingBBC News: Overtaking deat …
BBC News: Overtaking death driver sentenced. I really want to know how to overtake death.
Continue ReadingWomen have periods. Men …
Women have periods. Men suffer from them!
Continue ReadingDid you see that really g …
Did you see that really good episode of the X-Factor last week? Me neither
Continue ReadingI might go and see the Mu …
I might go and see the Muppets tonight. Anybody know what time their flight arrives from Milan?
Continue ReadingWhat goes, ‘Two A’s, Thre …
What goes, ‘Two A’s, Three B’s, One C, Two D’s and an E’? The alphabet being recited by a dyslexic.
Continue ReadingMy wife caught me on the …
My wife caught me on the sofa wearing nothing but my birthday suit. She was furious… we never normally open presents the night before.
Continue Reading