I’m so pessimistic I don’ …
I’m so pessimistic I don’t even have a cup.
Continue ReadingWhat a day for GoogleWave …
What a day for GoogleWave to launch
Continue ReadingJews are usually so good …
Jews are usually so good with savings. Ironically, they couldn’t save themselves.
Continue ReadingI threatened my caterpill …
I threatened my caterpillar farm that I would turn them into soup. But they managed to wriggle their way out of it.
Continue Reading”I got fired from my job …
”I got fired from my job as a vet this morning for a spoonerism.” I said to my mate. “What’s a spoonerism?” He asked. “It’s when you mix the first letters of two words up.” “How could you possibly get fired for that?” “Long story short, some woman brought in a litter of pups, concerned […]
Continue ReadingI was getting really high …
I was getting really high at the park yesterday. I love going on the swings.
Continue ReadingI took a couple of photos …
I took a couple of photos for my Facebook and tagged the Mother-in-Law. Sometimes it’s great working in the morgue.
Continue ReadingIs nothing safe from crit …
Is nothing safe from criticism?! Even burnt wood is under fire.
Continue ReadingDoes anyone else ever wri …
Does anyone else ever write the word ‘Banana’ and forget where to stop typing ‘na’. Bananana.
Continue ReadingI was in a shop buying ‘T …
I was in a shop buying ‘The Big Bang Theory’ box set earlier, when a bloke in a black top with a white collar pushed in front of me in the queue. I went mental and smashed his head in with the DVD’s. As he lay bleeding and moaning on the floor I said to […]
Continue ReadingThe other day I farted in …
The other day I farted in the face of a girl I met at bar. She looked at me and told me I was gross and did not find it funny. It will never work between us. She just doesn’t appreciate my scents of humor.
Continue ReadingMy therapist told me I ha …
My therapist told me I have anger issues and have trouble accepting help. At least I think that’s what he said. I had my foot on his neck at the time
Continue ReadingConvincing a dog that I r …
Convincing a dog that I really threw the ball is the closest I’ll ever get to being a magician.
Continue ReadingSurgeons removed my jaw b …
Surgeons removed my jaw by mistake. Well, what could I say?
Continue ReadingA friend of mine is a Com …
A friend of mine is a Community Support Officer and he desperately wants to be a real copper. It’s his birthday next week – I’m gonna buy him twenty quids worth of truncheon vouchers.
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