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My mate, who is a long distance lorry driver, has recently become very depressed. I sometimes worry about him, all on his own on those lonely journeys. Still, he’s always got a hard shoulder to cry on.

Sky News: Boy aged four found dead in a tumble dryer. Well it has been a nice day, perhaps he got the wrong end of the stick when his mum told him to go for a quick cycle?

As a 21st century philosopher I’m distressed to see soldiers get all the support whilst my creed are left in the shade. I thought for my country dammit!

My mate said he would love to have Mark Wahlberg’s arms so for his birthday I gave him Mark’s adress and an axe.

I sold a car to the Six Million Dollar Man once. Must have been a bargain. He almost ripped my arm off.

It’s my job to bring home the bacon in our house. I work in a butchers

My son said that he feels left out at work. I told him that it was his fault for being a doorman.

I flatten pastry using a heavy cylindrical object That’s how I roll