My wife threw me out for …
My wife threw me out for being too childish last night. God knows how she knocked down the walls of my impenetrable pillow fort to get to me.
Continue ReadingI saw an ex Man United pl …
I saw an ex Man United player eating an entire pack of haribo by himself. He wasn’t Sheringham.
Continue ReadingI had a really bad nightm …
I had a really bad nightmare last night. I dreamt that I unsuccessfully buried my wife in the back garden. When I woke up, I walked downstairs and hugged my spade.
Continue ReadingI opted for a bit of chan …
I opted for a bit of change in my life… So I went begging.
Continue ReadingIt’s my grandparents’ dia …
It’s my grandparents’ diamond anniversary this week, and I suggested to my wife that we buy them some flowers. “I wouldn’t bother,” she said, “They’ll only die in a few days time.” “Fair enough,” I said, “I’ll start planning their funeral instead.”
Continue ReadingI often attend eavesdrop …
I often attend eavesdrop anonymous. Not that they know.
Continue ReadingIf anyone tells you that …
If anyone tells you that they stand up while masterbating, chances are they’re actually lying.
Continue ReadingTrue ignorance is spendin …
True ignorance is spending your Friday night on facebook, laughing at those who are online for being losers.
Continue ReadingWhile on holiday in Thail …
While on holiday in Thailand I played a game of table tennis with a local girl . She beat me but there was definitely something fishy about her serving technique
Continue ReadingMe, sarcastic? Never. …
Me, sarcastic? Never.
Continue ReadingBig noses run in my famil …
Big noses run in my family.
Continue ReadingI went to the music store …
I went to the music store the other day and asked “can I see your kettle drum?” The guy replied “No, but would you like to see my toaster play the nose flute?”
Continue ReadingSome pages from J.K. Rowl …
Some pages from J.K. Rowling’s new ‘adult’ novel have been leaked on the internet. Chapter 1. Fifty Eight year old Harold Potter was out for a walk near his old school when, suddenly, he saw an owl flying towards him…..
Continue ReadingWhat’s a necrophile’s fav …
What’s a necrophile’s favourite band? Coldplay.
Continue ReadingIf the tongue is the stro …
If the tongue is the strongest muscle, How come I can never get that bit of Wotsit out of my back tooth?
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