…and God, in his infini …
…and God, in his infinite wisdom, commanded Noah to take two of every creature onto the Ark… Even woodworms. Brilliant plan.
Continue ReadingI’ve just seen an old lad …
I’ve just seen an old lady drop a 20 note in the street. As she struggled to bend over and pick it up I shouted, “I’ll get it”. I ran over, picked it up and said, “See, I knew I’d get it, better luck next time”.
Continue ReadingMy wife told me she’s lea …
My wife told me she’s leaving me because im always too impatient. ‘You are unbelievable! There are so many things you would have to change for me to stay, I dont know where to start!’ She said. I said. ‘Start towards the end.’
Continue ReadingI always buy Tesco value …
I always buy Tesco value toilet paper. There are certain shortcomings, but it feels the same as Andrex on the hole.
Continue ReadingHo Ho Ho! But enough abou …
Ho Ho Ho! But enough about the Kardashians, Merry Christmas!
Continue ReadingMy wife made a special ba …
My wife made a special baked custard dish that made us all dribble. Apparently it’s called a retart.
Continue ReadingTwo hippy girls talking a …
Two hippy girls talking and one asks “Have you ever gone cold turkey?” The other one replies, “No, but once I got desperate and used a chicken leg”
Continue Reading10 hikers killed in a lan …
10 hikers killed in a landslide in the Himalayas. Now be honest, you didn’t expect Everest to be doing THAT today, did you?
Continue ReadingIf you get caught stealin …
If you get caught stealing a clean slate, does it go on your record?
Continue ReadingMy mate just invented a m …
My mate just invented a machine that renders coherent speech impossible within 30 yards. Can’t argue with that.
Continue ReadingI’ve decided to give up T …
I’ve decided to give up Tea for Len.
Continue ReadingMy girlfriend said I’m af …
My girlfriend said I’m afraid of commitment. Well… She’s not my girlfriend.
Continue ReadingStrange, Ugly Betty is th …
Strange, Ugly Betty is the only programme that looks worse in HD
Continue ReadingI lost my wife and child …
I lost my wife and child in a hit and run disaster four years ago. So imagine how eerie it was the other day, while doing some gardening, I unearthed an old steel triangular plaque. As I began to scour the surface I could just detect the faint outline of a figure holding a small […]
Continue ReadingWarning signs these days …
Warning signs these days are getting ridiculous. ‘Warning, contains nuts’ on a pack of nuts, ‘Please mind the gap’ when stepping off a train. What are we, idiots? I even saw one the other day telling me to refuse to be put in a bin.
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