I’m currently measuring t …
I’m currently measuring the length of the equator in centimetres. I’m going to rule the world.
Continue ReadingAfter reading the headlin …
After reading the headlines youngsters killed in smash! I`ve decided that my kids will only be having chips or boiled potatoes from now on.
Continue ReadingBloke walks into a librar …
Bloke walks into a library. “How’s business”, he asks. “You wouldn’t believe it”, says the librarian
Continue ReadingPeople who are interested …
People who are interested in flower pressing should take a leaf out of my book.
Continue ReadingMy football team just sig …
My football team just signed a morbidly-obese winger. It’s important to have a wide man.
Continue ReadingWhen I told my friends I …
When I told my friends I wanted to start a business selling small pieces of metal, they gave me some flak.
Continue ReadingYou know you spend too mu …
You know you spend too much time on Sickipedia when you start looking for the arrow to vote your work e-mails down.
Continue ReadingA young boy comes running …
A young boy comes running up to a policeman and says “Please, officer, come back to the bar with me, my father’s in a fight.” Sure enough, they get back to the bar and there’s three guys fighting like you wouldn’t believe. The cop turns to the kid and says “Okay, which one’s your father?” […]
Continue ReadingElitism. It’s not for ev …
Elitism. It’s not for everybody.
Continue ReadingIf I was looking for an e …
If I was looking for an emergency ‘keeper to save a penalty in a crowd of people, the LAST one I would choose would be the one scranning a Mars Bar.
Continue ReadingI don’t know why everybod …
I don’t know why everybody is so concerned about the wind. It will all blow over soon.
Continue ReadingI miss being fat, the cla …
I miss being fat, the clapping sound when I’d run seemed to act as if I was being cheered on.
Continue ReadingI firmly believe in the s …
I firmly believe in the saying – ‘girls spit, women swallow.’ Therefore, if they’re under 16 and swallow, does that clear me of paedophilia?
Continue ReadingMy wife has gone off in t …
My wife has gone off in the arms of another man. In hindsight, I probably should have put them in the freezer after stabbing them to death, rather than just leaving their bodies lying on the bed to fester.
Continue ReadingI really looked forward t …
I really looked forward to some freshly squeezed orange today, but after 2 minutes of fumbling trying … I realised I just couldn’t concentrate.
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