I want my horse’s funeral …
I want my horse’s funeral to be appropriately grandiose. Does anyone know how to contact the Archbishop of Canter Bury?
Continue ReadingWhat do you call a fake p …
What do you call a fake phone? A phoney.
Continue ReadingInflatable sheep… For p …
Inflatable sheep… For people so ugly, they can’t pull an inflatable doll.
Continue ReadingI challenged a black man …
I challenged a black man to a rap battle, he said I could never beat him at his own game. So I took a stab at it.
Continue ReadingI just got out of the hos …
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
Continue ReadingThe internet has no influ …
The internet has no influence over my life whatsoever.com
Continue ReadingI’ve just bought a cardbo …
I’ve just bought a cardboard TV. Its all paper view.
Continue ReadingA zombie looked at me str …
A zombie looked at me straight in the eyes. He was dead serious.
Continue ReadingI went into the library t …
I went into the library to get a book on ‘How to survive in the wild without toilet-roll’ but someone had ripped all the pages out.
Continue ReadingIn case you wondered, Fat …
In case you wondered, Father’s Day is to thank Dad for nailing your mother. Mother’s Day is to thank Mum for not swallowing you.
Continue ReadingThis is the fifth time th …
This is the fifth time this week that I’ve skydived into a bakery. I’m on a roll.
Continue ReadingPotato. The vegetable fo …
Potato. The vegetable for fat people.
Continue ReadingMy girlfriend dumped me f …
My girlfriend dumped me for taking things too literally. My mum tried to help me by saying “God doesn’t close a door without opening a window” He must waste A LOT of money on central heating in winter
Continue ReadingMy wife sent me shopping …
My wife sent me shopping earlier, and told me to pick up the bear essentials. I didn’t even know that we had one, but I did as she asked, and picked up a large jar of honey.
Continue ReadingBubble wrap: 3% Protectin …
Bubble wrap: 3% Protecting belongings. 97% Stress relief.
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