My wife accused me of rip …
My wife accused me of ripping a piece off a poster advertising the local visually impaired school. I didn’t take a blind bit of notice.
Continue ReadingA new stairlift was unvei …
A new stairlift was unveiled today, it can get you up the stairs so fast that when you get to the top you can still remember what you wanted to go upstairs for.
Continue ReadingMiss Piggy just asked me …
Miss Piggy just asked me to marry her but I couldn’t Kermit
Continue ReadingI logged onto littlegirls …
I logged onto littlegirlslaughter.com last night. Imagine my disappointment when all it turned out to be was a load of kids laughing.
Continue ReadingMust be tiring being a Pl …
Must be tiring being a Plymouth fan playing Newcastle away, every single day…
Continue ReadingI wish i could punch Soul …
I wish i could punch Soulja Boy thru the phone.
Continue ReadingMy wife told me I was too …
My wife told me I was too impatient, I said ” I haven’t got time for this.”
Continue ReadingTeacher asks little Johnn …
Teacher asks little Johnny, “What is the chemical formula for water?” Little Johnny replies, “H I J K L M N O.” “What are you talking about?”, the teacher replied. Little Johnny, “Yesterday you said it’s H to O.”
Continue ReadingAs I sat in the waiting r …
As I sat in the waiting room this morning, I noticed something rather annoying flying around my head. So I slowly rolled up a newspaper and hit it as hard as I could. Then I stamped on it, picked it up by the wing, opened the window and threw it outside. “Mr Smith?” said the […]
Continue ReadingScientists have discovere …
Scientists have discovered something that will stop a falling mountain climber instantly. It’s called the ground.
Continue Reading3 and a half years ago si …
3 and a half years ago since i emigrated to america, i bet the wife is worried sick.
Continue ReadingI saw that new advert for …
I saw that new advert for Pizza Hut today that said “Now, order with your iPhone.” Question… Couldn’t you always order with your iPhone, seeing as it is, in fact, a phone?
Continue ReadingNo Aviva, I don’t want yo …
No Aviva, I don’t want you to make the other ten months of my car insurance more expensive so I get ‘two months free’.
Continue ReadingA man walks into a booksh …
A man walks into a bookshop and says, “can I have a book by Shakespeare?” “Of course, Sir, which one?” The man replies, “William.”
Continue ReadingI walked out on my job at …
I walked out on my job at the council this morning. I don’t mind a bit of gardening, I can even manage some litter picking, but road marking… That’s where I draw the line.
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