Be very careful meeting p …
Be very careful meeting people on facebook, I thought I was meeting a 14 yr old girl I had groomed. It turned out to be a 45 yr old man…. …. I strangled him anyway
Continue ReadingApparently there’s a new …
Apparently there’s a new motion picture currently in production which will tell the story of a large carton of organic free-range eggs. It’s to be called The Dirty Dozen.
Continue ReadingMy sister is really into …
My sister is really into two things. 1. Exaggerating 2. Fat guys. So really just blowing things out of proportion.
Continue Reading“Darling, promise you’d n …
“Darling, promise you’d never cheat with me with another woman?” said the wife. “Oh course not dear, I’m 100% sure of that!” I replied. “You’re such a sweetie!” she cooed. “How are you so certain?” “Cos if I was with another woman, I’d never cheat on her with such an ugly fat cow like you.”
Continue ReadingI fantasise about sawing …
I fantasise about sawing the top of the skull off a woman then giving her a Roman shower. Which is sick in the head.
Continue ReadingI stayed up late last nig …
I stayed up late last night – did anyone else get that Deja Vu / Groundhog Day feeling halfway through the night?
Continue ReadingAs a therapist, I’ve foun …
As a therapist, I’ve found that the most difficult patients are magicians. They never reveal their secrets.
Continue ReadingEverytime I look in the m …
Everytime I look in the mirror, I get a real shock. But that’s me.
Continue ReadingIf you win the X-factor, …
If you win the X-factor, you’ll churn out Factor Y music for the rest of your career.
Continue ReadingLost my job as a shepherd …
Lost my job as a shepherd because I couldn’t count the sheep. I kept falling asleep.
Continue ReadingRice Krispies motto is “S …
Rice Krispies motto is “Snap, Crackle and Pop” Coco Pops are the same but chocolate, they don’t share the same motto though Is it because they is black?
Continue ReadingTrue story. A few years b …
True story. A few years back I was being driven down to Wales with my girlfriend by her Father and his new girlfriend, who was the only other English person in the car. “Look over there”, said her dad, “the sheep are being sheared”. My reply of “Why, is there a dinner dance tonight?” only […]
Continue ReadingJust been out with my met …
Just been out with my metal detector. I found bracelets, gold rings and necklaces. I could’ve stayed all night… The graveyard caretaker called the police though.
Continue ReadingMy girlfriend’s been to c …
My girlfriend’s been to college and is well on her way to being a professional make-up artist. She’s already got her foundation degree.
Continue ReadingDyslexia cost me my job i …
Dyslexia cost me my job in IT. Turns out my boss wanted me to unzip his ‘files’.
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