Everytime I use my phone …
Everytime I use my phone my ear gets wet. I think it’s been tapped.
Continue ReadingI was on the bus the othe …
I was on the bus the other day, when a guy came up to me; “How long’s the Bournemouth bus gonna be mate? I got a connection to make.” Apparently “About the same length of this one” wasn’t the response he was looking for.
Continue ReadingI was meant to catch up w …
I was meant to catch up with an old Kenyan friend today. But even at sixty, he was still too fast.
Continue ReadingMy Dad used to be pretty …
My Dad used to be pretty good at drawing. He shot my Mum dead before she’d even noticed him reach for his pistol.
Continue ReadingI have six words for you …
I have six words for you
Continue ReadingI love my fingers… … …
I love my fingers… …I always know i can count on them.
Continue ReadingI approached a girl in a …
I approached a girl in a bar and told her she was one in a million. “Thanks” she said “That’s very sweet of you!” “Oh” I said “It’s not a compliment. I just can’t imagine that there are 999,999 uglier people.
Continue ReadingI nicked some copper wire …
I nicked some copper wire last night. The local bobby was furious he couldn’t turn his lights on.
Continue ReadingWhich part of a man grows …
Which part of a man grows and grows the more you stroke it? His ego.
Continue ReadingMy pets are very well tra …
My pets are very well trained. I throw a ball for my dog and shout “Catch it”. Bruno leaps into the air and catches the ball. Meanwhile, Tiddles lays one out in her litter tray!
Continue ReadingJohn Deere’s manure sprea …
John Deere’s manure spreader is the only equipment the company won’t stand behind.
Continue ReadingDear Sickipedia, I hacked …
Dear Sickipedia, I hacked into your database server and changed the background colour to white. It appears to be working again.
Continue ReadingA husband and wife are si …
A husband and wife are sitting round the table with their three daughters eating dinner when the oldest of the three asks her parents, “Why was I named Daisy?” “Well,” said her mother, “when you were born a daisy flew in threw the window and gently landed on your forehead so we thought it would […]
Continue ReadingI absolutely refuse to be …
I absolutely refuse to believe that I am in denial…..
Continue ReadingI shouted abuse at some c …
I shouted abuse at some cows and all I got back were blank stares. So I yelled, “You herd!”
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