Category: wordplay

I just cancelled my trip to Amsterdam because it’s easier for tourists to get stoned in Belfast.

Watching Trooping the Colour earlier, I noticed stains on some of the uniforms of the Irish, Welsh and Coldstream guards. There were none on the Scotchgard’s though.

I was just finishing off my blueprint for making the worlds largest carpet when I discovered a huge floor in the plan.

A cure for agrophobics is just around the corner.

If there’s one thing today’s taught me it’s that you don’t learn something new everyday.

The editor of a thesaurus died today. His last words were: ‘least’, ‘lowest’, and ‘fewest’.

BBC News: “Hurricane Higgins Dies Of Throat Cancer” Old snooker players never die. They just take a long rest.

What goes floppy after I’ve had a stroke. The left-hand side of my body.

A bit of advice for hungry young comedians… Eat something.

If I had a pound for everytime a homeless person asked me for change I still wouldn’t give them any

My wife always moans at me for typing in capitals. I wish she would get off my case.

What do you call a tall bloke from Baghdad ? The high Iraqi.

I’m planning on opening a shop called Chasm. It’s going to be like GAP, just much bigger.

There is a way! Sincerely, Will.

My mate keeps talking about how much he loves eating Birdseye potato based savoury foods in square lattice-like shapes. I told him to stop talking waffle.