Category: wordplay

My kids were so excited when I told them I was taking them to Lapland. Little do they know it’s the name of our local athletics track.

I thought students are supposed to be tight for cash but my dad has just told me that he saw some tipping a police van . I don’t even tip a taxi .

I don’t mind Black kids, I’m a very choosy babysitter..

I smoked a joint earlier. All I need to do now is cure it and I’ll have the best Christmas ham you’ve ever seen.

I told the Missus there was no way she could back the car into the garage, But she did it perfectly, Reverse psychology.

I cant stand protesters. But I don’t know how to tell anyone.

My girlfriend was furious when she came home to find two naked women, covered in edible body paint and tied to our bed. I don’t know what her problem is, she said that she liked chocolatey Claires.

If an Earl is awarded an O.B.E, does he become an earlobe?

I couldn’t be more lazy if I tried.

There are plenty of benefits of driving home in the dark, now I don’t have to put up with those awkward moments when I pull up to a traffic light and catch the woman sitting next to me staring right into the car. Whilst I pick my nose.

The wife has bet me 500 pound that I can’t cross the river Thames without getting my feet wet whilst wearing a straw boater. Gotta be worth a punt.

I’ll never forget the day I met my wife. We were at a fancy dress party. She was stood there, looking gorgeous and slim, with her fat mate. They’d gone together, dressed as the number ten. I knew there and then, she was the one.

I was on the phone to Led Zeppelin the other day and I was suddenly disconnected. Must have been a communication breakdown.

I can’t stop thinking about the Alhambra Palace in Granada. Very Moorish.

BBC News: A man was left with serious head injuries after he was attacked by a busy road. Police have arrested the M25.