Category: wordplay

I won 10,000 on a scratchcard last week and the wife said we should draw up a list of what to spend it on. “Well, I’m going to book a holiday for one.” “Oh goody” she screamed excitedly, “I can’t wait!” Can’t help thinking she’s misunderstood what I said.

Saw a homeless man getting off the bus earlier, I thought, ‘how does he know it’s his stop.’

I used to think i was a really good creative writer. Turns out it was just my imagination.

I got a faulty plug socket for my birthday. I was shocked.

My vacuum cleaner is called William. Named after Di’s son.

I have a friend who’s so rabidly vegan she won’t even listen to Fur Elise.

Congratulations to my wife. I am very proud of her as she has finally stopped smoking today. The crematorium have informed me that her ashes will be available for collection next Monday.

I’ve started a business supplying salt, pepper and vinegar direct to restaurant cooks. It’s called “My condiments to the chef”

I’m thinking of opening an Israeli phone top up shop called ‘Credit Where Its Jew’

Opening a resteraunt that sells healthy stuffed flatbread sandwhichs that slows down the aging process. I’m calling it Pita Pan’s.

My cousin, moshe, opens his new jewish supermarket this week…… Yidl.

I tried a yo-yo diet once but had to stop… I kept choking on the string.

Hunting seals can be more expensive than you think … Me and my mates have had to club together.

I’ve been engaged quite a few times, but never had the heart to get married. There’s been quite a few near Mrs.

BBC News – “Greece not looking for bailout”. Good… …I don’t want my taxes spent on a musical that’s clearly had its day.