Category: wordplay

My mate was doing the crossword and he asked “What’s the name for a small part of a tree that protrudes from the trunk?” I said “Twig?” He said “No, it’s knot.”

I killed my wife in self defence. It took me three hours to clean her blood off the dojo mat.

I was listening to my grandfather’s favorite record when the player fell off the table and smashed. I’m not going to hear the end of it.

My son stole an aeroplane. He is so grounded.

Ah…The irony of playing a game of chess against your Czech mate

My dad took me on a work experience to his job at the MOD. He works as an improvised explosives device removals expert. I think I’m going to follow in his foot-steps.

I’m at the age now where I fancy a wee nightcap before bedtime. I don’t think all the urine is too good for me though.

The key moment in my life was when I became a locksmith.

Glue or sellotape? I’ll stick with glue thanks.

My dwarf girlfriend never shaves. I love her short and curly’s

When you’re writing, when should you use a question mark.

I can’t help noticing how many ethnics are getting into snooker. Soon it will be a case of spot the white.

Just bought some new Shakespearin pain killers. They come in capulets.

I was talking to a really attractive girl at a corporate event earlier today and I completely messed up my chat-up line. “So you’re in corporate hospitality?” I said flirtatiously. “I’d quite like to hospitalise you myself.”

I have a black friend who cleans out my ears when he comes round He is my cotton bud