Category: wordplay

My misses wont stop singing songs by the ‘Fine young cannibals’ She drives me crazy.

BBC News – Man Batters Wildebeest Now that’s what I call breaking Gnus

John works for the AA. His wife’s just left him. He got mugged on the way back from the pub. His house has just been burgled. He’s heading for a breakdown.

I’ve just opened a new restaurant called Karma. There’s no menu, we just give you what you deserve.

A friend of mine had a terrible accident at work today. He fell into a huge Tank of Coagulated Milk. He’s in a really Bad Whey.

I’ve set up a political party called the Scaffolders. We provide great support and will put the Poles back when they are no longer needed.

I was at an airport and I saw a sign that said “Check in here” I thought “But I haven’t even lost anything”

“My granny left me a brooch. It’s got a hard, shiny coating, and dates from the time of Queen Victoria.” “Mother of pearl?” “No, Edward the 7th.”

I tried poaching a rhino the other day. I couldn’t find a big enough pan though.

I phoned up the bank to find out the situation of my current balance They told me to stop being stupid and that if I left one raisin on top of the other on the kitchen side they would probably still be there

I would make up a joke about herbs, but now’s not the thyme.

My great-grandfather sat and watched the entire Forth Rail Bridge being built. He was riveted.

My friend asked me if I ever used Ebuddy I said “Nah, But somtimes I use heroinmate.”

I was arrested for driving under the influence tonight. I wasn’t drunk. It was my wife’s nagging that made me turn straight in to a brick wall.

Statistically, seven tenths of a rap artist is a rapist.