Category: wordplay

It takes a lot to become a successful thief.

Why, I thought to myself, is the letter before Z.

I was just in ASDA. They’re doing a 2 for 1 deal on scissor.

Today I got lost in a house of mirrors, it gave me a lot of time to reflect.

I nearly drove into a group of amputees. Thankfully I missed them by a few feet.

My car broke down earlier. It was the first time I’d seen it cry.

I called my wife today and told her I’d just got a great promotion at work, she was ecstatic. The miserable cow didn’t seen too impressed later though. So I’ll be keeping the two for one Dominos voucher for myself.

I recently employed a Mexican gardener and a Spanish maid, and I’ve got to say, my house is looking spic and span.

I spent this afternoon shooting asians and blacks from a roof top. What can I say?,I aim too please.

The Black Death. Should be avoided like the…well, just try not to get it.

I’ve just bought myself a new cleaning solution. It’s really flash.

I was chatting to my mate earlier when he said, “My neighbours got a lovely doberman, I wouldn’t mind one.” “pinscher?” I asked. “No, I can’t do that, he lives next door.” he replied.

I decided to test out the theory that if you placed 100 monkeys in a room with an infinite number of typewriters, eventually they would type out the entire works of Shakespeare without a single mistake. Then, just 10 years later, I walked in to discover something incredible… 100 dead monkeys.

News from a week on the stock market. Helium was up, but feathers were down. Paper was stationary, but pencils lost a few points. Lifts rose but escalators continued their slow decline. Switches were off and mining equipment hit rock bottom. The raisin market has dried up. Pampers remained unchanged while Sun peaked at mid-day. […]

Some kids from the local orphanage smashed my windows in the other day. Thugs. I blame the parents.