Category: wordplay

Bought a one trick pony. Frankly, he is not even good at that. His card control is useless.

I’ve just seen a large male deer thrashing it past me in a Ferrari at 150 MPH. I think it was the stag.

My wife told me she’d had a crush on someone. Hard not to when you’re as fat as she is.

Last night my girlfriend phoned me from the US. She was in a poor state. Mississippi in fact.

The bloke who invented mansize tissues must’ve known some really little blokes.

Me and my mates were trying to organise a bank job. We didn’t even get an interview.

Got to work this morning to find antlers growing out of my head. I must have used too much moose this morning.

Fish bait is like a drug. Once you’re on it you’re hooked

I think I’m allergic to nuts – I swell up and get short of breath. Actually, come to think of it – that happens when I read Zoo as well.

Sales of my new book “How to save money by cutting down your telephone use” have slumped. The book shop said there’s been no call for it.

My wife wanted a more secure future so I’ve invested half of all our money in stocks for her. I’ve invested the other half in rotten fruit.

Christian lesbians are always willing to turn the other chick.

I’ll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.

They say empty cans make the most noise. With their constant begging I think it’s Africans.

My teenage daughter came home after hanging around the park, drinking Diamond White with her friends. “Dad, I feel sick and the room’s spinning,” she slurred. “Well,” I replied, “those are just some of the ciderfects.”