Category: wordplay

I went to the ugliest swingers party last night, every one a minger. Should have known really, the invite said it was a ‘Pig & Mix’..

Rowan Atkinson: “I’m too old to play Mr. Bean again.” Does this mean he’s now a Has Bean?

The lads at work said I lack conviction. “Five years you’ve been here and not one arrest,” one said. “Call yourself a detective.”

I hate candle wax, it gets on my wick.

My mate’s getting really worried because he can’t stop stealing cooking utensils I told him to stop panicking and he’ll be fine.

I feel that geographical puns are beneath me; there’s Norway I’d go Oslo as that.

BP bosses are under fire again for ridiculing the victims of the oil leak. Several of them were seen arriving at work today with their hair slicked back.

When I get stressed, I beat my wife with stringed instruments She’s a victim of domestic violins

I hear Wayne Rooney’s dad has been arrested. Was it for producing dope?

How did the Welshman cross the swamp full of alligators? Caerphilly.

I hate people who steal my ideas before I think of them.

I rang Duncan Bannatyne the other night to pitch an idea to him but before I could go any further he said: “I’m out”. Got his answering machine.

A policeman asked me to come down to the station for an interview. I haven’t even applied for a job there.

I’m so happy my Ex-Girlfriend’s down for the weekend… Well, she should be considering the amount of tranquilizer darts I got through.

Drag racing. The quickest way to develop lung cancer.