Category: wordplay

I’ve started making solid gold action figures from the Lord of the Rings franchise. It’s an expensive hobbit.

I just got 25 kills and no deaths with my ump-45 and my desert eagle. did i get a tactical nuke? no i got arrested.

Me and the girlfriend just arrived in Vietnam, and I was soon sent into hysterics finding out that the currency there is called the dong. “It’s not that funny,” she scolded, as I was laughing my head off. She soon shut up when I told her I’d put my money where her mouth is.

“This changes everything!” I said as I found my old Tip-Ex.

In Scotland recently, I was in the countryside and said to a bloke: “See that young bull over there? I bet I could knock it out and floor it.” “Nae chance” he laughed, “everyone knows that wee bulls wobble but they don’t fall down.”

I proposed to my fiancee last week, but she rejected. She said ”No, sorry… If you’re going to propose to me, you should do it properly and give me a ring!” So I’m dialling her number now to try it again ‘properly’. Wish me luck!

To be honest, you must always tell the truth.

I just listened to an army imitating the sound a pigeon makes. I’ll be honest, it wasn’t the greatest military coo history will ever record.

I caught my wife smoking in bed again last night. I’m sick of telling her to bin that dodgy twenty year old electric blanket.

Just been peeling potatoes with my wife. I’ll be better using a knife next time.

I’m a campaigner for just ice for the inuit people.

I just saw a midget buying groceries with a bunch of change. He was short.

My neighbour knocked on my door last night. I thought it would be funny to open the door with an erection. But after a minute or so I thought to myself, “No, I can’t do it”. So I just opened it with my hand.

Me and the boys at work were up to allsorts last night I now regret working at a liquorice factory

My girlfriend came over to me today and simply said “The earth, together with all of its countries, peoples, and natural features” It meant the world to me.