Category: wordplay

The worst pub I’ve ever been to was called The Fiddle. It really was a vile inn.

I thought I could get benefit money from being an amputee victim. Now I’m just stumped for cash.

As the wife shut the front door behind her, I went into our bedroom and slipped on a pair of her knickers. I wish she would see a doctor about her heavy discharge, I thought as I picked them up off the floor and put them in the washing basket.

`I’m looking for that Stephen Hawking book in paperback.’ Librarian: `Is that the one without a spine.’

I’ve just been complimented by a junkie. High praise indeed.

BBC News: ‘Transgender hopeful enters Miss Universe’ But I thought the winner hadn’t been decided yet?

Everyone calls me Napoleon because I’m always taking my phone apart

My father served in Iraq. He was Saddam Hussein’s butler.

I vowed to sneak into a Phil Collins concert without a ticket but people said I would never succeed. Despite heavy security and CCTV I was able to blag my way in at the end and hear him sing the last song, it was against all odds

I quit my job as a Chiropractor today. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

Blunt knives are pointless.

A man goes home to his wife and shows her his latest tattoo of a spreadsheet on his chest. “You’ve really Excelled yourself this time!” she says.

Sickipedia is like every fit girl I’ve ever met.. It’s impossible to get on.

Simba stays in bed longer than the other animals because he’s the lie-in king.

My wife says I need to improve my language skills. Ha, I’m not the one using words like “real lies”.