Category: wordplay

My wife came into the room screaming. “Oh my god our little Kylies got meningitis.” I said “thats a little rash isn’t it?”

The police station has a giant photograph on the wall of me supposedly robbing a bank. I didn’t do it and, to make things worse, they’ve placed a huge wooden border around the picture. I’ve been framed.

The sun was shining, so I took the kids to the beach. I felt very hot and started peeling. My foreskin.

Whenever the wife gets mouthy I hit her with a skate. It keeps her inline.

I said to a mate of mine, “Did you know that continental quilts keep you far warmer than conventional bedding?” He said, “Duvet really?”

I was going to tell my mate a story about the time I went to a race with no starting position. I didn’t know where to begin.

Packing for my holiday tomorrow: Shirts – check t-shirts – check shorts – check socks – check I really should diversify my wardrobe.

What’s orange and sticky? Fantastic.

Etc. A word used to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

I’ve just heard that Norman Wisdom is dead. William the Conqueror must be turning in his grave…

If your looking for sympathy, you’ll find it in the dictionary between “so” and “what”.

I played a small role in a new film. I’m a dwarf.

I used to have a Cuban accountant. But I caught him on the Fidel.

Never own a pet store. Stores make terrible pets.

I hate crime. I mostly direct it towards Pakis.