Category: wordplay

I do all my addition in my head. It’s the thought that counts.

I used to play the piano. The piano always won.

Never in my life have I stood for irony… I’m disabled.

I was on holiday with the lads last week and wanted to get a picture of us all together. The only person around was a black man, so I handed him the camera and asked him to take it. So he did.

I was driving down a country road the other day and saw a sign that said… ‘7 Motorcyle Deaths in 7 Years’ – I thought thank god im driving a car!

I know an awful lot about bus timetables. I’ve led a sheltered life.

While Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin made one giant leap for makind, Michael Collins was orbiting in the command module, though he never regretted being the forgotten man. He was over the moon.

As an animal thief specialising in large cats, I take prides in my work.

I have finally walked out on my wife as I could no longer put up with the endless arguments involving her OCD with kayaking literature. Organising her rowing books into rows always led to rows.

I was going to tell a joke about a boomerang, but I can’t quite remem… oh wait it’s coming back to me now

I’m going to give my son a new lead for his pet puppy this Christmas, I’ll tell him he’s buried alive somewhere in the left side of the garden.

Just read the headline: “Dramatic fall in pupil expulsion” Unbelievable, my eyes nearly popped out.

Grief takes many forms. Well, 17 to be precise, if you’re claiming the life insurance on your wife.

I got canned from work at the juice factory because I couldn’t concentrate.

I got thrown out of a cheese rolling contest in Holland because I used French cheese with herbs in it. Apparently I wasn’t following le roule’s.