Category: wordplay

I’ve had no luck in starting up my hide and seek adventure holiday’s business, I just can’t find anyone to help.

I said to my son, “Sit here and don’t move. Put these coins under your paper, then shade over them with your pencil” Went back ten minutes later. Not a trace.

I answered the door the other day and there was a woman dancing away, holding glow sticks and blowing a whistle, and she asked if I wanted to buy any cosmetics. My wife said “Who is it?”. I answered “It’s the rave-on lady”.

Upon reflection… I look good in a mirror.

My wife had finally had enough of my pet, so one day when i got home from work she exclaimed, “Right I’ve had enough of this. Either i go or the he does.” “The dog can go then.” I replied making up my mind in a flash. “Good choice hunny,” My wife said snuggling up […]

I once had a crystal meth lab. It was a nightmare taking him for walkies.

I feel sorry for the 9/11 jumpers. They’ll never sell.

I went home to my wife after seeing the doctor, ”Honey I have some bad news, I slept with 3 guys on holiday and now I have aids.” ”This has got to be a joke!” she replied angrily. ”Ok!” I replied, ”I slept with a Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman…”

We have just settled an ongoing dispute with our neighbour an agreed to make our garden paving stones parallel to each other. Our paths have never crossed since.

My wife went mad when she found out I’d covered her head with pages of the New Testament while she was asleep. You should’ve seen the Luke on her face.

After spending a night in a hotel I went to the reception desk. The receptionist said, “Can I check you out sir?” I said, “Go for it, I hope you like what you see”.

My mate is playing in an important tennis match tomorrow. I’ve wished him many happy returns.

I managed to convince a friend to kill my wife for some big money. He did the deed and came to me shaking and covered in blood while stuttering, “What have I done?” I handed him the money trying to calm him down but if anything the novelty football sized pound coin made things worse.

I saw a ginger looking really good throwing some shapes around tonight… I was really impressed, I always struggled with Tetris.

My lecturer at university pulled me to one side the other day to talk, he said he felt I had no patience. I thought that that was rather harsh, I have lots of patience – I usually wait right until the last minute to do my work…