Category: wordplay

I’ve started dating couches, but I’ve had no luck sofa.

Since I’ve been in a wheelchair I just sit at the top of the stairs while my daughter throws food up… She’s bulimic.

I was trying to think of brain-related fetishes, but nothing comes to mind.

I was arrested the other day for having indecent images of French feet on my computer. Apparently piedophilia is a crime.

I noticed that my plane to Majorca has been grounded. It should learn to behave next time.

As a scientist, people keep asking me “When is the end of the world?” “After the D,” I reply.

What do you call a Sikh paedophile? Abu Singh.

I saw Francis Rossi busking the other day so I stopped to listen. When he finished he said ‘That’ll be a pound please mate’. I thought, ‘Fair enough, quid pro quo and all that’.

My girlfriend always puts little ‘x’ at the end of her texts. Although why she insists on putting her age in Roman numerals I don’t know.

I found my wife in the kitchen, crying because the bread she made hadn’t turned out right. She said, ” I forgot to mix it together by hand and now dinner is ruined.” She carried on sobbing even louder. I said, ” Ok, so there’s no kneed to make a meal of it.”

I lost my job as a hotel receptionist after checking out the wrong people. Apparently I shouldn’t be drooling over children.

If I had a pound for every time I was late with the dinner… I’d have black eyes and a broken nose like my wife.

MSN News “Mum left in car park by pair” You’d never get that treatment from a Banana.

I was feeling down earlier so I dipped my Muslim friend in bleach, I thought I’d try to lighten Mahmood…

I almost died today when a box full of old photos fell on me from the top shelf. My whole life flashed before my eyes.