Category: wordplay

Me and my wife were in Comet choosing a new TV. I wanted a 60 inch top of the range Sony, she only wanted a 32 inch basic Goodmans model. She said, “There’s no way we’re paying 2,000 more than we need to.” I replied, “But babe, you’ve got to look at the bigger picture.”

I had to give a talk about adhesives today. I was really nervous, but I managed to hold it together.

What’s Father Christmas’ favorite rock band? Sleigher

A homeless man with a split in his skull just asked me for money. I didn’t give him any because he was a crackhead.

Are Focus Groups newer versions of Escort Agencies?

Sky news “Man with one leg lost job at barclays bank” I bet he couldn’t keep his balance steady?

If you want to become a leader with a large following, just obey the speed limit on a windy one-lane road.

I’ve been busy painting my fence this morning. It makes it much more difficult for the police to recognise him when he’s selling my stolen goods in the local pub.

What’s the whitest part on a black woman’s body? The pearls her boyfriend stole for her.

Where did I go on holiday? What am I doing on holiday? What’s the weather like? Answers on a postcard…

Anyone want a plate? Speak now or forever hold your pizza.

I say, ‘Inoperative’. You say, ‘Not switched on’. Let’s just call the whole thing ‘Off’.

Just heard good some news the lead singer from D:ream has got over his bankrupcy and is now opening a little italian pastry shop! Things Cannoli get better!

Nurse, I swear I didn’t mean to touch you! It must be the Parkinson’s. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

My mate just turned up on my doorstep crying his eyes out. Apparently he’s just been made homeless. I don’t know why he’s making a ‘Big issue’ over it.