Category: wordplay

I distorted a Tortoise earlier. Now it’s just an Oise.

I just bought some laughing cow. The women’s asylum were auctioning off their patients.

I think my accent is too posh. I told the Waiter in an Indian Restaurant that I didn’t want too much spice so he moved me to a cramped table in the corner.

I went to the Natural History Museum and saw the two bees that Noah supposedly took with him. They were in the archives.

I used to be a dyslexic arsonist but I’m alight now

David James made a great save today. There was a two for one offer on hair gel at Tesco’s.

I’ve been looking for a dog to take round the streets of Bradford to attack pakis with. I can’t seem to find the right type though. You just can’t get the Staff nowadays.

Just discovered my vegan neighbour starved to death in his flat. Couldn’t find a pulse.

I was telling a friend about an ancient tale to bring wealth, health and happiness to your family and I told him I had been doing it. I told him I got a blood orange and a red apple, I had to soak them overnight in a pot with some hair or a nail from […]

I went to a book convention at the Empire State Building earlier. There was 102 stories.

I just ate a whole cake, or a doughnut as some people like to call them.

I’m off to the toilet to do some woodwork. Gonna make a couple of stools.

When I blow my nose, I often get paranoid that I can see bits of brain in the tissue. I have to keep telling myself that it’s all in my head.

I’ve released a new line of clothing especially for midgets. They’re selling ok, but it’s only a small market.

Someone called me self-important the other day… but I don’t think I am, and that’s what really matters.