Category: wordplay

Drink kills 1,500 Scots a year. I wonder how many Daves, Terrys or Alans it kills.

BBC News – ‘Illegal film downloads ‘up to 30%’ Incorrect, mine are on 75% and 89% and rising…

BBC News: “Scots ‘drink a quarter more alcohol’ than other Brits”. So? Bernard Matthew’s eat more chicken Uncles named Ben eat more rice and Victoria’s eat more sponge cake

I was sunbathing naked in the garden when a copper walked up and said, “Excuse me Sir but would you go inside and put something on.” So I went inside, popped on my CD player and put my favorite Gary Glitter track on.

My doctor told me I need to seriously stop eating junk food, starting with the half-eaten apple I just fished from his office bin.

The other day a mate told me he planned to become a ballboy on a football pitch, or something along those lines.

Religion: Putting the ‘lie’ in belief for thousands of years.

D E S S E M That’s messed up.

I fell asleep the other day… And then woke up when I hit the ground.

A report claims that 1 in 10 Women wear dirty knickers. Not sure I believe that statistic. Smells a bit fishy to me.

At any time, the temptation to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is never more than a whim away.

Shame they banned that man in Devon from walking his owls down the street. I imagine quite a few heads used to turn.

I hope we don’t get the Euro over here, it just wouldn’t sound right. Imagine going into the butchers and asking for ‘a Euro of sausages.’

I was feeling a little odd yesterday. Or as my wife would call it, a disabled child.

There is nothing unhealhy about mentally undressing a beautiful lady. Unless you’re telekinetic.