Category: wordplay

It doesn’t matter what time of year it is, when you’re an alcoholic, it’s always shorts weather.

My grandad was the best milk farmer back in the day. He was legendairy.

I’m a tour guide in Brazil and on the bus, I said, “If you look to your left, you will see a giant man made out of stone.” A bloke at the back shouted, “Statue?” I said, “No, it’s Christ The Redeemer.”

I’ve been told that my drinking is getting out of hand and I must agree… Already tonight I’ve dropped 3 pints

The wife went mad after catching me smoking a fat one in the garden yesterday. “That salmon’s going to make my washing stink of fish.” she raged.

My wife has given birth to our son in the brand new high tech delivery room. It was cordless.

French is not my Forte.

I’ve got a step aerobics instructor. My mum won’t tell me who my real aerobics instructor was.

Positivity is a definite no-no.

I walked a bird home from the pub last night and when we got to her door she asked “Can I interest you in a night cap?” “No, thank you” I replied “I don’t wear them”.

There’s this guy who stands at my street corner looking shifty with a deck of cards… He’s the local dealer

I was shocked when my mate gave me an erection on Christmas day. He stole it off some dead bloke at the morgue.

I can still remember the first time I saw the movie The Terminator. A few friends and I went along to the local cinema, which was packed out as it was the opening night, and we managed to get some seats together. About halfway through the film I got up to have a slash and, […]

I just rung my boss and said I can’t come into work tomorrow as I’ve hurt my legs and can’t walk. Lame excuse I know

What do you call theft in Norwich? Six finger discount.