Category: wordplay

A ceramics firm have asked my permission to have the image of my face on a range of kitchenware. I think someone’s making a mug out of me.

I decided to smoke some weed while I was driving. Its always better to take the highway.

I fell down the stairs today, and may never walk again. I wasn’t injured, I’m just really lazy.

I really hate palindromic pets, as I said to my eel, lee and my elephant, tnahpele

I met a native American Indian once who could send message via a series of beats on a drum. He didn’t half bang on about it though.

My wife was just searching all over the house. She asked me, “Have you seen my box?” I replied, “Not since our wedding night no.”

I wonder if somewhere in the world there exists a female tribute to the wu-tang clan called the poontang clan? That would make my day that.

I was walking along the road this morning when a van stopped next to me, a bloke stepped out and he asked me if I thought he looked silly wearing a helmet. It must have been insecuricor.

Car salesmen are refreshingly honest these days. I went to an Audi dealer, and said I’d like to buy a car. The dealer told me “Please have a Seat.”

I’m looking forward to my dirty weekend. Wash the car, clean the garden, take rubbish out……

I’ve started up a tribute internet band, the Black IP’s.

Sky News: Bodies found dumped in skips. I usually get through five packets a day and I haven’t found anything suspicious so far.

I was stopped by a policeman and asked if I could identify myself. I looked in the mirror and said, “Yes officer, it’s definitely me.”

Fancy losing a few pounds? Try tennis… A fiver on Andy Murray to win Wimbledon should do the trick.

I’ve just kicked a pheasant to death. Don’t hate the player, hate the game.