Category: wordplay

So my girlfriend said to me ‘how come you always walk in front of me?’ I said ‘I’m sorry, I don’t follow you’.

We couldn’t get into the changing rooms at the rugby club, so I picked a lock. He smashed the door down.

I decided to buy “Hollywood Hostages”, a videogame in which you release background actors from captivity. I’m really good – I’ve already unlocked loads of extras.

Saw a woman today who opened the door in her nightie. I thought, “That’s a funny place for a door.”

I have a thing for telephone operators. They’re so engaging.

I find it extremely hard playing with my sister’s kids.

Chaka Demus & Pliers. Great reggae act, terrible firm of solicitors.

My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name. I said, “Don’t be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?”

I can’t stand fish. They have no legs.

Caught my kid smoking pot at the School Sports Day. They’re in for the High Jump.

I sold someone some cannabis the other day. When he handed over his money, I asked, “anything else?” He said, “an’ a gram of cocaine please mate” I paused for a minute before saying with uncertainty… “Oceanic?”

I’ve designed a form of camouflage that is 100% effective. I’d love to show it to you, but I can’t.

Me and my band perform all types of covers and we usually feed off the crowd. It’s mostly half eaten hot dogs and burgers they throw at us.

What a beautiful winter’s morning. I’ve just been out for a walk and seen a little robin. It’s a common sight in Tottenham..as are the police who arrived soon after…

I read this article that said that one in every five friends overuses sarcastic anecdotes. I thought “That’s Rich”.