Category: wordplay

News Headline; ‘Stick’ found on beach used as cricket bat actually leg bone.’ Secondary Headline; ‘Bystander caught making LBW joke at scene ironically beaten to death with cricket bat.’

My girlfriend is cross eyed and is trying to find a cure for it. She doesn’t know where to look.

I shouldn’t have got Patrick Swayze to redesign the nursery. He’s put the cot right in the middle of the room.

I told my friend earlier that I’d heard Marie Osmond is going to be in one of the worst films ever made. “Warner Brothers?” He said “I already have” I replied

I recently went to a pub and asked the pretty lady at the bar for a nice bit of head. Worst pint I’ve ever had.

My wifes name is Lisa, she complains a lot and she really loves Leonardo da Vinci art. The nick name I gave her is obvious. Although she hates it when I call her Obvious.

I told my wife that she had drawn her eyebrows too high, she looked quite surprised….!

The wife, annoyed, asked our son, “How often do you lose pieces for your Scalextric?” “Don’t know,” he replied, “I’ve lost track.”

BBC NEWS: Tear gas used on Syria mourners. Somehow, I don’t think the tear gas was necessary.

I was in the pub last night when my friend started doing card tricks to 5 pints of beer. I said to him, “Stop fooling a round.”

Sky News – “Thieves prepare to strike over Christmas” Great I can leave all my windows and doors unlocked without worry now

I’m so looking forward to turkey this Christmas. I just hope Heathrow gets the runway open.

my wife, my daughter, my son, my mother, my father, my mother-in-law and my father-in-law have all left me due to my obsession with Bingo I’m glad they did anyway, it was a full house.

I’m getting fed up with reading Time Machine jokes. If I read another one, I’ll hang myself yesterday morning.

I walked into the pub and got a round of applause. Never heard of it before but it tasted alright.