Category: stupid

I was telling a joke to my friend the other day when he told me my punchlines made no sense whatsoever. That’s what I call a hangover!

Bought a stock car to race. It was all going well until it rained and I was left in a puddle of gravy.

Last night a horse asked me if I was planning on driving home. Although come to think of it, there might have been a policeman on top of it.

A psychic once told me that my kid’s names would always be up there in lights and she was right. I called one Taxi and the other one Burger King.

Just saw Frank Bruno’s wife with two black eyes and a broken nose. She must have been using the microwave.

“What do you mean you’re not buying my car?” I said to the guy collecting it from Ebay. “Well I don’t think it’s yours,” he said. “Apart from the forged papers, there’s just something wrong about it?” “So you’re turning down the chance to buy a thirty grand car for 500?” “Yes mate, you don’t […]

My boss called me into his office this morning. He said, “I’ve recently been thinking about leaving the company, I would like to spend the next 5 years taking my wife around the world.” I said, “That sounds nice.” He said, “After some careful consideration, I have decided that I want you to take over.” […]

I feel bad for all the suckers who’ve bought counterfeit tickets for next year’s Olympics at such ridiculous prices. I decided to spend my hard earned cash on a Glastonbury ticket instead.

I’ve just driven past an old lady who had fallen over in the snow, so I stopped the car and reversed back. She said, “Can you pick me up?” I said, “No, I’ve got no room in my car, you’ll have to walk”.

I once took a pill of ecstasy on a date. I had a wonderful time and I made sure the pill made it home alright.

I went to our local cannibal restaurant last night and ordered the ‘Baby Food Special’.. I love the platter of tiny feet

A man walks into a Bar. He’s now a qualified law professional.

A policeman stopped me last night. “Do you know how fast you was just going?” he asked. I said, “About 50 mph.” He said, “You’re breaking the law.” “How fast should I be going then?” I asked. He said, “8 mph, you’re on a mobility scooter.”

Why did the lightbulb cross the road. For a change.

The Doctor said I must cut out the two cans of cream a day from my diet before it kills me. So today I’m off to B & Q to see what other colours they do.