Category: stupid

What has one previous owner, four wheels and is easy to ride? A teenage single mum.

When I was a young lad, me and my friends would play in the park, climb trees or make a camp in the woods. But oh no, not these days. They’re all married with kids.

An obsessive compulsive walks into a bar…. 13 times, right foot first.

I want my last words to be “I’d rather die.”

I got run over by a mobile sperm bank. I didn’t see it coming.

“It’s not you, it’s me.” I hate sorting photos with my twin brother.

A man walks into a bar and the barman says “Why the long face?” And the man replies “I am severely deformed”.

I took a watch on the Antiques Roadshow this morning. They said, “Where did you get it from?” “It’s my grandad’s” I replied, “He gave it to me a little while ago.” “And you’re selling it?” they asked. I said, “Well, it depends on how much it’s worth. If it’s worth a fortune then I’ll […]

I was at the cinema with the wife when I noticed a load of 50 pound notes on the floor. I picked them up and said to the missus, “Here put these down your knickers until we get out.” After the film finished and we got out I said to her, “Give me that money […]

I’ve just found out who was nicking my beetroot. I caught him red handed.

I’m having some sort of problem using the right-click on my mouse. I just cant quite put my finger on it.

I knew my wife was going to have a go at me over my super hero obsession. I could feel my spidey senses tingling.

I drank some orange today, with a ‘best before’ date of the 1st of October and it was totally fine. Why don’t they actually print something useful instead? … Like .. ‘Best before toothpaste’

Last night I saw this video online of twin girls who were having simultaneous lung palpatations 2 girls 1 hiccup

I texted my mate: Can you help me put my TVs up on the wall tonight? He texted back: I would, but I need brackets! I text: (Can you help me put my TVs up on the wall tonight?)