I had a dream I was eatin …
I had a dream I was eating a big fat marshmellow. I woke up, my wife was still there.
Continue ReadingI had a dream I was eating a big fat marshmellow. I woke up, my wife was still there.
Continue ReadingIt amazes me how it’s 2012 and we still can’t get some colour photographs of the moon.
Continue ReadingIt was my first time in the boxing ring and it only took 32 seconds to make a huge impression. Even the judges had to admit .. “We’ve never seen a boxer with so many corner men.”
Continue ReadingMy fiancee divorced both her previous two husbands for being stupid. Let’s hope this is fourth time lucky.
Continue ReadingBBC News: Girls have increased their lead on boys in GCSEs, in another record-breaking year. The art of copying really has taken a nosedive.
Continue ReadingI went on a dad/son adventure day today. It was harder than I thought it would be to abseil and canoe whilst holding an urn.
Continue ReadingA new girl started working in my local shop. She is absolutely gorgeous. I was thinking of how I could impress her so one day I came up with a plan. I casually strolled up to the counter and asked for a box of condoms. “What size?” she asked. “Extra large,” I replied with a […]
Continue ReadingThe Police stopped me in the car earlier. “Couldn’t help noticing your dog sir.” “With his head stuck out of the window?” I replied, “All dogs love doing that in the car.” “Very true sir,” he nodded, “Just never seen one do it whilst he was driving before.”
Continue ReadingJust put the finishing touches to my new T.V show, ‘9 billion ways to die.’ Number 9 billion is ‘of old age, watching a pointless countdown show and realising you’ve wasted your life.’
Continue ReadingMy wife is so fat, she had to call the AA this morning to come and fix four flat tyres on her roller skates.
Continue ReadingI said to a mate, “The doctor removed a tumour the size of a golf ball from my wife’s stomach once.” “Seriously? How did he get that out then?” “With a sand-wedge.”
Continue ReadingMy mate’s got a Mirrored ceiling. Waste of newspaper if you ask me.
Continue ReadingMy mate told me he was quite proud of the fact he doesn’t snore. I felt the need to point out I was so good at snoring, I could do it in my sleep.
Continue ReadingMy girlfriend has just given birth and, unfortunately, the baby came out dead. I know what this means and I’m extremely upset – I just can’t believe she’s been having an affair with a zombie.
Continue ReadingMy wife said to me, “I’ve got a bad headache.” I didn’t realize that there is such thing as a good headache.
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