Category: stupid

I’ve never bothered buying a bread bin… I put any leftover bread in my normal bin.

… which is why I start sentences in the middle.

I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you The more you have the longer you live

I’m not impressed with these drawing pins I bought. It’s been two days now and they haven’t drawn a thing.

As I studied my reflection, I knew something was wrong. I’d fitted the two-way mirror backwards.

I saw two blokes about to play pool in the pub last night. I walked over to one of them and said, “Play the winner?” He said, “Yeah, okay.” “Great” I said taking his cue, “I’llbreak.”

As I ironed my wife’s shirt, I thought.. “This would’ve been much easier if she wasn’t wearing it.”

My wife accused me of having an affair, so I took a lie detector. All I’ve got do now is hide it before she makes me use it and finds out the truth.

People have accused me of faking my interest in football. It’s not true, I watch the World Cup every year.

My Father died in a police cell. The police report said he tried to commit suicide and died of a brain haemorrhage. They claimed he tried to hang himself with his braces and smashed his skull into the ceiling.

I was on my way home from work, when the Mrs decide to ring. ”On your way home, pick something up for tea” So, I bought her a kettle.

I gift wrapped a baseball bat with birthday paper and ribbons. My girlfriend didn’t really know what hit her.

I noticed that I constantly narrated my life in my head, when I thought “I noticed that I constantly narrated my life in my head…”

Did you hear about the man who bought a sleeping bag? He spent 3 hours trying to wake it up.

As I walked through the airport clutching a big bag of cocaine, I could see that I was approaching a policeman with a sniffer dog. So I quickly shoved it inside my jacket and carried on walking. “Stop right there!” he shouted. “Is there a problem officer?” I asked. He said, “Yes, you’ve just stolen […]