Category: stupid

Opinions are like nipples. Everybody has one. Some have firm points, others are barely discernible through layers, and some are displayed at every opportunity regardless of whether the audience has stated “I am interested in your nipples” or not.

My sister asked me if I’d like to be present for her sons birth last week so I said, “Yes.” She went into labour this morning, so I turned up gift wrapped in paper with a bow on my head.

I’ve just opened a new 500sq ft. shoe shop. I haven’t sold any of them yet.

I recently did a stand-up gig at a convention for wedding cake suppliers. They were in tiers.

I’m the most street person you’ll ever meet. Nothing I like more than hanging with my housies.

My teenage son is on his ‘Gap year’. He was too thick to get into college, so he’s working in the clothes store at the shopping centre.

Roses are red! Violets are red! Call the police! Someone’s been killed in the florists!

My wife always puts on a jolly face. Which explains why she was fired as a makeup artist.

I couldn’t think how to get rid of this indigestion……………..then the rennie dropped.

My girlfriend called me conceited today and I wasn’t sure what that meant. It was probably a compliment of how amazing I am.

I went to the hardware shop. I said, “this riding lawnmower is stupid.” They said, “next time, you get on top.”

I’ve been laying on my front for the past 3 hours. The article in the paper said ‘turn over for more’, but so far I’ve got nothing.

I’m currently serving fifteen years for attempted armed robbery with a water pistol. “Everybody down or I’ll squirt,” Didn’t have the desired affect.

I’ve often heard it be said that it’s the little things in life that count. Like calculators?

I was at the bus station the other day when I saw a phone which said “Do not use for 999 calls”. “Great”, I thought, “I only need to make 998”.