Category: stupid

I received a wedding invitation today. On the back it read: ‘Please write the amount of guests attending and post back’ I’m not usually good at this sort of thing, but I went for 120.

I was trying to sell my digital camera online when someone asked me to upload a picture of it How?!

“Daddy, can I wear my princess costume to school today?” asked my daughter. “No, sorry darling,” I replied, trying to get her into the car. “But Daddy, I really want to wear it!” “No,” I insisted. “But…..” “Look, you know the rules,” I said. “It’s my turn to wear it.”

I walked into a job interview wearing a gimp suit this morning. “Why are you dressed like that?” asked the shocked woman. I said, “This is how I’m always dressed, it makes me feel comfortable.” “Right” she said, “I think this interview is over.” “Over?” I complained, “Why?” She said, “I’d rather look for a […]

Petrol prices may be higher than ever, but don’t believe people who tell you that diesel is cheaper. I tried it, and it cost six hundred quid to have it drained from my engine again.

I have a feeling I’m not as popular as I thought. I’ve been put in goal for my local darts team.

Got arrested for fly tipping this morning. I gave a Bluebottle fifty quid.

I was on the bus then I saw a sign on it saying, “Up to 1000 reward for information on anyone vandalising this bus”. So I ripped the chairs apart then gave the driver my details.

I think my local Butcher has caught onto the fact that I’ve been sleeping with his wife, since he’s been giving me disgusting looks and completely ignoring me lately. Today, I went in and asked for a prime cut of beef, and asked how his day was going. He gave me a cold shoulder.

So now they’ve got Lynx for women! But how often have women said, “Mmmm, is that Lynx you’re wearing?”.

I volunteered recently to perform a parachute jump for charity. On our first day of training, the instructor made an important point about preparing for landing at 300 feet. “How do you know when you’re at 300 feet?” asked one woman. “A good question,” replied the instructor. “At 300 feet you can recognize the faces […]

Yahoo News: Eva Green prefers intense roles. I recommend the chicken cajun baguette at Upper Crust.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!

I could tell that my dad was wearing my boxer shorts when I went into the living room. I recognised his nose sticking out the slit at the front.

I’ve built a stock car. It runs on Knorr cubes and French bouillion.