Category: stupid

I bought some cigarettes in the newsagents this morning. As I handed the cashier a 50 note she looked at me and said, “Do you have anything smaller than that?” “Sure,” I replied, putting my hand into my pocket and pulling out a tic tac.

I’ve developed a new breed of cow that is only divisible by itself and one. I’m going to sell it as prime cuts of beef.

My wife hates the fact that I like to put ketchup on everything. Especially the toilet seat & door handles.

AOL News: Earthquake shakes England’s south coast Witness: “It felt as if a big lorry had gone by in a hurry, except we don’t have lorries go through here.” How would he know then?

I dropped an egg on a concrete floor and it didn’t even crack. I think this is because concrete is hard and not easily damaged.

My wife was furious that I caught her swimming naked last night. Apparently I shouldn’t use my fishing net in the pool.

My wife hates the fact I keep suggesting she’s abit of a Gorilla… She went Bananas right before things got hairy.

I was shocked when I jumped on the scales this morning. I didn’t even know my wife was a mermaid.

I was in the newsagents when the guy behind the counter shouted, “This isn’t a library!” “Sorry mate” I replied, packing up my books, laptop and work.

Just stolen a Mercedes from the Man City players car park. The registration is VIN 1 so I’m guessing it’s a Kompany car.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, My pen’s running out, But I still lov

God came to me last night, he said, “You may ask one question my child and I shall give you the answer.” Of course overly excited I asked, “What colour does a Smurf go if you strangle it?”

I was looking for a house the other day. I found a street full of them.

I just threw a frying pan for my dog, but he wouldn’t fetch. Then I realised. It’s non-stick.

My Dad once said to me “It’s the things you love which make you what you are” I guess that makes me a big breasted blonde girl I replied.