Category: stupid

I literally have the worst memory in that blue and green ball thing that we live on.

Whilst blindfolded, I picked out a velvet smoking jacket, a Paisley patterned kipper tie, checked golfer’s plus-fours, a pair of lime green socks and some black loafers. I hate these blind taste tests.

A friend got into my car today. “Come on mate” I said, “you know the rules. Put it on.” “I don’t want to” he replied, “it’s uncomfortable.” “That’s not the point.” “Fine!” he shouted, putting on the leather Co-pilots hat.

Last night I saw some bloke tie his dog to a post outside our local newsagents. For a laugh, I thought it would be funny to swap his dog for a pink fluffy teddy. You should’ve seen his face, he absolutely shat himself. But not as much as my daughter, who woke up this morning […]

After his wedding ceremony, my mate came up to me and said, “Your Best Man speech was a joke!” I said, “I know, are you only getting it now?”

Had my first ever lock-in at the pub yesterday. I do wish they’d fix those toilet doors.

I called my wife today and said, “I bought that table you asked me to get from Ikea today.” She said, “Have you made it up?” I said, “Yes… I forgot, I’ll get it tomorrow.”

My mate told me he’d built himself a women out of old clothes. Sounds fabricated to me.

Yahoo: Rooney sends signed shirt to fan who’s wrist he broke, after firing a shot wide. In other news: Torres has run out of pens to sign shirts.

My wife said she is worried about the dreams she keeps having where she turns into a nuclear rod that’s gone dry. I think she’s overreacting.

I was recently arrested for child molestation apparently ‘Santa sneaks into small children’s rooms too’ isn’t a valid excuse. Strange that.

I first suspected my parents didn’t love me very much when they tied me to a tree and took the dog on holiday.

I tried making a couple of quick bucks today. It cost me my job when the other scientists caught me injecting the laboratory rabbits with steroids.

What makes an apple so crunchy? The screen.

No matter how much money you give a homeless person for tea, you never actually get that tea.