Category: stupid

I was in the hospital waiting area talking to my mate when a security guard approached me. He said, “You can’t use your phone in here.” I said, “Yes I can mate, I’ve got full bars.”

My Dad always gets the last word. Him and his Countdown Conundrums…

I always get criticised for using expressions which are completely out of context. But then again, Rome wasn’t built in a day.

I feel sorry for women with short hair They’re the ones who always seem to get cancer.

Me and my mate were talking, then he noticed my socks. He said, “They are a strange pair of socks, one’s red with white dots and the other is blue.” I said, “I know. I’ve got another pair exactly the same back home.”

Try all you like but the longest word in Scrabble is …. Scrabble

“Hey Dad, when Neil Patrick Harris played Doogie Howser, what kind of doctor was he supposed to be?” ……..Not sure son, …probably a Urologist

According to the Daily Mail, living people are 55% more likely to get cancer than dead people…

If Malisse beats Murray at Queens they should name a town after him.

Why do chavs always seem to think that I’m there brother?

The wife bought me a pizza back from Tesco earlier. She said “What do you think? It had a third off.” “Not that great” I said, “I’m still hungry, get a full one next time.”

My daughter invited me to her birthday party today, I told her I would be happy to attend. It was a total shambles, they had no immigration policies and no economic resolutions to offer, I think I will stick with the British National Party.

I felt quite abandoned when my father never visited me in prison. He kept using the same old excuse, “I can’t visit you today son, I’m in prison.”

I was climbing the stairs earlier when I thought to myself. . . ‘Why dont I just walk up them like I usually do’

“You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry… I throw fits, slam doors and shut myself away in my bedroom” – The Incredible Sulk