Category: stupid

I have how predictive texts change what i’m about to saw.

Why do so many buses go to Sorry Not In Service? It can’t be a popular place ‘cos they are always empty.

I’m allergic to The Fonz. I’ve got HeeeyyyFever.

I’m supposed to be going on a date with a hot virgin tonight, but… She couldn’t find a babysitter.

My wife reckons I suck at arguing, I agree!

I thought it would be safe at Asda on the ‘travellater” But when i got to the top, Shadow knocked me out with his pugal stick.

Acupuncturists………. They really get on my nerves.

“If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best!” – the weather

I’ve been into a Poundstretcher this morning. Now I’ve got a pocket full of ovals.

My wife said to me earlier “Close the window for God’s sake, it’s cold outside.” Useless cow. I checked an hour later and it was still cold outside.

I came home the other day and found my son smoking in the house. His funeral is on Monday

I was out clubbing when 2 girls approached. “Do you fancy menage a trois?” they said seductively. “No sorry,” I said, “I’ve never met the girl.”

A guy from the authorities came round today and said “I need to ask you to take your “For Sale” sign down.” “Why?” I asked. “Because although you’ve nearly completed your sentence, I’m afraid that you’re not, and never have been, the legal owner of this prison cell.”

My mate asked me to look after his pet piranhas whilst he went on holiday for 3 weeks. He left me a voicemail yesterday asking me how they were but I had completely forgot to feed them. Luckily I went over his house and they were still swimming around happily. So I phoned him back […]

Just got back from my school reunion. Which was a bit weird, since I was home schooled.