Category: stupid

I hate sitting on planes whilst there taking off… I’m suprised i’ve never really fallen off to be honest.

I just knocked on my neighbours door and said, “Do you have a black cat?” She said, “Yes we do”. I said, “No you don’t”.

I was watching this medical show where they said people with far too much metal in their diet often have a poor vocabulary and struggle to use abstract terms in the correct context. “How interesting,” I thought, as I ate another iron magnet. It tasted irony.

I really don’t know why they put “Please sit down to pee” signs in this toilet. I did, and most of it didn’t even make it up to the bowl.

What do Vampires have for a quick snack. Clot Noodle.

I’ve just found out that I am never going to be able to be a mother. Apparently it is one of the side effects of being a Man.

The other night I was in the club, minding my own business, when several ladies started walking my way. It felt good for a minute to have all the attention. The bouncers seemed jealous, because after a minute they came and dragged me out of the ladies bathroom.

I got stopped by one of those market researchers the other day. She said, “Do you mind if I ask you ten short questions?” I said, “Okay, go on then.” “Have you ever suffered from a blackout?” she asked. “I don’t think so,” I replied. She said, “And, finally, question ten.”

My Dad used to tell me ‘Quitters never win’ Thanks to him I now have a restraining order.

Can anyone recommend me a good search engine? I would search a search engine for a good search engine but I don’t know a good search engine.

I was chatting to a huge fat bird with tattoos in the pub last night. At the end of the evening I said, “Do you fancy a little walk back to my house?” She grabbed her coat and said, “Yeah, come on then.” After a 15 minute walk we reached my front door and I […]

I went for a job interview as a scuba diving instructor yesterday. The guy interviewing me said, “This is not a good start, you look ridiculous.”

I walked into the newsagents with a giraffe this morning. “You can’t bring that thing in here!” screamed the cashier. “The sign on the door says no dogs.”

My girlfriend makes me solve esoteric maths problems whenever I am with her. It’s quite a complicated relationship.

I’ve just smashed up my old Nintendo Entertainment System. It broke into 8 bits.