Category: stupid

My sons pet goldfish flipped earlier, when I took him out of his bowl.

I’ll never forget my girlfriends last words. “You’ve got Amnesia”,he said.

I was in my local swimming baths when the life guard told me, “No bombing in the pool.” So I did one through the front desk instead.

I was really thick at school. If it wasn’t for the hole in my pocket I would have never been able to count to 6.

You know it’s time for a trim when you can’t see the wood for the trees.

My dogs not very intelligent, he only understands two words- Sit and Profitability. It took me ages to teach him to sit. For a long time he was running a small business standing up.

After my career ended as a table tennis champion, I couldn’t find a job. Fortunately, the ground staff at Heathrow had an opening… …I get planes parked faster than anybody else.

I went out for a few drinks with the lads last night. Towards the end of the evening I walked up to a girl and said, “My mate wants your phone number.” “Which one?” she asked. I said, “It’s up to you, but I think he’d prefer your mobile.”

At a recent interview, they asked me “Can you describe yourself in your own words?” I said “Flangtle breety smargen”

In order to cure my virulent racism, my therapist asked me to imagine that the shoe was on the other foot. I had an image of one leg with two shoes on it and one without. It didn’t help much.

As I sat there this morning with my head in my hands, I thought to myself, “Why does everybody call me Worzel Gummidge?”

The Irish Olympic team have just arrived in Beijing..

The area I live in is pretty rough. Before entering a nightclub the bouncers search you for drugs. If you don’t have any, they won’t let you in.

There is no “i” in “illiterate”.

A skeleton walks into a bar, and asks for a pint of lager and a mop.