Category: stupid

I got a call earlier today. The voice on the end sounded distorted. It said: “I want you to do a few things for me. I want you to go to your car, drive to the bank, take out the largest loan you can and your loved ones will be returned safe. I have people […]

I really regret hiring that Irish Hitman now. After paying him to take out the wife I’ve just found out they spent the evening at the cinema.

My mate walked into the pub, sat down and said, “Fancy buying me a pint”. I said, “I haven’t, that’s my pint”.

I was asked to make a powerpoint presentation for the other teachers in my school on how to look out for practical jokes. They all came into the main hall to watch it and I had them glued to their seats throughout the whole thing.

I drove up to the counter in McDonald’s and said, “Can I have a large Quarter Pounder meal please?” The man said, “Sir, you are meant to use the Drive Thru, and you will have to pay for the damage you caused.”

My doctor just told me that I have a problem with one of my lungs. I said, “What’s wrong with it?” He said, “It’s smoking.” I said, “Well, do you have any idea why it’s doing that?”

My belt holds my trousers up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?

My grandad phoned me this morning and said, “Can you pop around?” “Of course” I said. As I got to his to house, he opened the door and said, “I’m on my way out.” I said, “But you’ve just asked me to come around?” “Goodbye” he said, dropping to the floor.

My wife decided to walk out on me claiming she can no longer stand me living in a cartoon fantasy world. She didn’t get far. Thanks to the anvil I’d suspended above the garage door.

This country is screwed, the three L’s are in decline! Literacy and Numeracy!

I can’t believe all these people slagging off Florence and the Machine. He’s a great band.

I failed my Air Force entrance exam. “Determine the point of a missiles impact”. “To make it explode” is the wrong answer.

Wandering into Tesco and seeing Antony Worrall Thompson’s book on a shelf just gave me this urge to steal it. But it’s not as easy as you think hiding a shelf under your coat.

I tell you what else makes me jump. Skipping.

All the lonely people, where do they they all come from? Edinburgh