Category: stupid

My girlfriend complained that I never held her close when we danced. It was nothing personal. It was Strictly Ball room.

I walked into work this morning and my boss said, “What time do you call this?” “10:33” I replied. “You didn’t see anybody else strolling in at half past ten today, did you?” “Of course not” I said, “I wasn’t even here.”

My friend has challenged me to see who can produce the most saliva, It’s a mouth watering contest…

A Scotsman and a Jew are having dinner and drinks. At the end of the evening the Scotsman says “I’ll pay”. The headline in the Sun the next morning was “Jewish Ventriloquist Murdered”

TODAY I was bored so I said “Wow, that’s a weird place to put a piano.” You wouldn’t believe how many people looked around for a piano. I was in an elevator.

I went to a restaurant that served endangered species and ordered a Panda steak. The waiter asked, “How would you like that sir?” I said, “Rare.”

“Did you know “Gein” is actually a Dutch word, meaning “mirth” or “fun”?” “That’s great, Ed. I still don’t want to hang out with you.”

I always support locally grown produce. That’s why I drink my Gin and Tonic with a slice of onion in it.

I got talking to this blonde earlier, I said: “Do you fancy going out with me?” “Sure” she said, “when?” “I don’t know, Tuesday?” I said. “No, you choose” she said, “it was your idea.”

Just off to London to buy an Oyster card. Clammy’s gonna love his surprise birthday party.

If people are so amazed by crop circles, they should see the farm near my house. Aliens have somehow managed to cut down all the crops, roll them into enormous cylinder shapes, and stack them by the side of the field.

When my wife died I was able to deal with it ok as is been brought up with with having to deal with the deaths of many much loved pets. The only thing I struggle with is trying to flush her down the toilet.

Me and my hypnotist wife have just split up after seven years of marriage. When i told her i was keeping the house, i expected all manner of trouble from her, but there wasnt any. Not one bit. I dont need her anyway, im perfectly happy in my coop, scratching for corn.

A man stopped me in the street abd said, “Do you want to take part in an anonymous questionairre?” I said, “Who’s asking?”

I was sat on the train earlier It isn’t easy to travel in Mumbai!