Category: stupid

I saw a woman driver today and I don’t know what everyone’s making so much fuss about; she was harmless. …Well, when I say I saw her, I was at her funeral…

When I was a toddler my dad spent all of his time inventing new products for kids my age. Heeven went to the extent of fixing wheels to the bottom of a plastic bowl. Used to drive me potty.

My maths teacher said ‘draw a square,’ and I drew a circle. he said ‘you idiot, that’s a circle go, stand in the corner’ I said ‘where’s that?’

I sent my wife a dirty text. “I can’t wait to get home and lick your sopping wet axe wound! X” I could tell she wasn’t in the mood as soon as her reply arrived. “For Christ sake. You’re meant to be calling me an ambulance!”.

Worlds oldest contraceptive is useless. Being ginger is no guarantee.

For most of my childhood, I looked up to my father.

A psychic medium is taking a radio station to court after they cancelled her show without warning. She said, “It’s come completely out of the blue”.

I wanted to make a new perfume so I started mixing random herbs and powders. But it didn’t make any scents.

I don’t do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend a whole night in front of it in only 8 minutes.

To me, getting overused catchphrases wrong is like shooting a fish at point-blank range.

My boss called me into his office today. He said, “I’ve heard a little rumour that you are going to be sick for the next two weeks just so you can go on your mate’s stag do in Vegas.” I said, “That’s correct.” He said, “Well, in that case I have no choice but to […]

I’m not a slacker Just can’t be bothered to prove otherwise

My blonde wife has brought an Open-Top Submarine. That will go down well.

I noticed on my bottle of shampoo the instructions ‘lather, rinse, repeat.’ Could somebody please tell me when I should stop, only i’ve been washing my hair for about three weeks now. Surely it must be clean.