Category: stupid

I was on a plane the other day when a bloke tapped me on the shoulder. “Mind if we swap seats?” I said “Sorry mate, pilots only”.

I bought a book today called “Strange Coincidences”. When I got home I found that I already had a copy. Weird.

The boss came running into my office yesterday: “Drop everything and get into the boardroom, there’s an urgent meeting.” It couldn’t have been that urgent though. He spent the first 10 minutes shouting at me for arriving with my trousers and pants round my ankles.

“I’ve just bought some lovely meat from Italy”. “Venison?” “Milan actually Dad”.

I’d get an erection if they ever made a statue of me.

I had to laugh the other day. A man came round to read the electric meter. I didn’t get the bill until six days later. By that time I had used 19.763 kWh. Six days of free electric can’t be bad.

My mate can’t get an erection, partially due to smoking. But mostly due to being female

I’m now a great uncle. As my niece pulled on her clothes, she said: “That was great, uncle.”

Apparently I enjoy stating the obvious, which means I take pleasure in explaining things people have already observed.

I said to my housemate, “Wanna hear a joke?” He goes, “Alright then.” “What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?” “I don’t know,” he said. “You’re disgusting.”

I went in to buy some jeans and said to the woman, ‘I’m looking for some jeans’. She said ‘What leg?’ I said ‘Both.’

I’m being taken to court for plagiarism. But it’s just his word against my word… which he claims is his word.

When I found my girlfriend in bed with another man I burnt my house down… I regret it now as they were in her bed at her house.

In the middle of an argument, my wife called me a hypocrite. “You’re so needlessly dramatic” I said, setting fire to our TV.

I thought I heard a knock at the door tonight. “It’s the t.v,” said the wife. “No its not,” I replied, “the television is right there.”