Category: stupid

I got short changed in Top Man today.. I look really silly dressed as a midget.

Oh I see you have a ‘Baby on Board’ sign on the back of your car. Ok I’ll just accidentally crash into the car next to you…

I am going to name my kid “Off.” If nothing else, he’ll get millions of recommendations every day from others to have intercourse with him!

Toys R Us – “There’s Millions says Geoffrey all under one roof…” However this was ruled to be inaccurate and Geoffrey was found guilty of False Advertising and sentenced to a 3 and a half year sentence.

On my computer I’ve got a picture of my friend dressed in a goalkeeper kit, diving about catching monitors. He makes a great screensaver.

I was talking to this girl, and she was complaining that sick jokes are getting too predictable so that after the first line you can guess the punchline. So I took her out to dinner and we fell in love and we now are happily married with three kids.

A couple of chairs go into a restaurant and the waiter asks, “A table for two?”

Over estimating works 99% of the time.

I received a package with the label “handle with care.” I had to send it back, I don’t remember ordering a protected handle.

I was in the library noisily eating a kebab when the librarian said to me, “Shhhushhh.” I replied, “No it’s Doner.”

News: Man dies in Jaguar factory in Liverpool. Police and the Health&Safety Executive still to release details. It’s obvious! He was cunningly stalked then mauled to death.

I’ve been watching this bag of flour for hours now and not once has it raised by itself.

I used to always bring a knife to gun fights. The kids with water blasters never stood a chance.

How come Martin Luther King gets a day named after him for his dream, yet I get committed to a mental hospital for mine? Blatant racism.

I was amazed when my blonde girlfriend said she’d started reading a book: “What’s it about?” I asked. “It’s got adventure, crime, death, romance, sci-fi, thrills and violence in it.” “Wow!” I said, “it’s got all that in… what’s it called?” “Something called the Dictionary” she said.