Category: stupid

I was walking my dog this morning when I suddenly decided to pop into the newsagents. The manager stopped me in the doorwayand said, “If you want to come in, you have to tie your dog up outside first.” I like a challenge, so a few minutes later I called the manager back outside. Helooked […]

How did Santa Claus kill his wife? He sleighed her.

My computer beat me at chess a few days ago. It was no match for me at kick-boxing though.

My kitchen caught on fire yesterday , and the house was absolutely gutted. To be fair , I wasn’t exactly delighted myself.

My girlfriend produced a film. Which is very unusual because I was expecting a baby.

Me and my terminally ill son were in the bank when an armed robber burst in: “Everyone on the floor now!” He shouted. We all followed his instructions… Almost one hour had elapsed when I finally plucked up the courage to say; “My son hasn’t had his medication, he could die within an hour if […]

My daughter came home last night, holding hands with some guy. “Mom, Dad, this is my new friend Taylor,” she said. Gladdened, I replied, “Very good, honey.” Then I turned to my wife. “Go get the torn clothes in the wardrobe.”

I recently got over my fear of flying. After falling off a cliff and breaking several bones, I realised I couldn’t fly anyway.

She never wanted me to go on the stag do in the first place, but I think she’s gone really OTT about it … Yes I’m hungover, yes I lost my phone and couldn’t be contacted, but to have my clothes destroyed, the house being transferred to her, divorce proceedings, not allowed to see the […]

My printer gave me an error message this morning telling me to ‘Decrease My Raster Mode’. I suppose I do look a little ridiculous in these dreadlocks.

I’m not saying my mates gullible, but I’ve just sold him Super Ted’s secret word for a hundred quid.

My ex wife said, “Your son needs to have a father figure.” I said, “He’s already got one, look at the size of his belly.”

I was reading my Harry Potter book on the train today. Suddenly I got an urge to hit the guy sitting opposite me over the head with it. He looked at me and said, “What’s that all about?” I said, “A young wizard who likes to play Quidditch.”

I’ve always been told my problem was that I won’t back down. I’ve been stuck up these ladders for nearly a week now.

I always like to have a picture of a cute toddler in my wallet so that when people say ‘Is he yours?’, I can say ‘Nope’