Category: stupid

My girlfriend dumped me for taking things too literally. My mum tried to help me by saying “God doesn’t close a door without opening a window” He must waste A LOT of money on central heating in winter

SKY NEWS: Woman found after seven weeks lost in the wild, she had survived on Snow and Water. So, just Water then?

I saw a Clowns eye on the pavement today. It was a big plus.

I’ll never forget my Mother’s last words….I wrote them down somewhere.

I told a local DJ that I had a large amount of rare vinyl. “Is there any chance that I could come round and have a look?” he asked. He didn’t look too impressed when I showed him my collection of flooring.

BBC News: Wiliam Gibson says the future is right here, right now. Mr. Gibson, that’s what everyone else refers to as the present.

I was trying to figure out what number multiplied by itself equalled 64, but I couldn’t get to the root of the problem.

BBC News: “MI6 worker’s body found in pieces in plastic bag” What a way to commit suicide…

A guy at work said, “I’m lucky me, as one door closes another one opens.” I thought, that can’t be much fun in the winter.

I’ve just seen an old lady drop a 20 note in the street. As she struggled to bend over and pick it up I shouted, “I’ll get it”. I ran over, picked it up and said, “See, I knew I’d get it, better luck next time”.

My wife told me she’s leaving me because im always too impatient. ‘You are unbelievable! There are so many things you would have to change for me to stay, I dont know where to start!’ She said. I said. ‘Start towards the end.’

My mate just invented a machine that renders coherent speech impossible within 30 yards. Can’t argue with that.

Warning signs these days are getting ridiculous. ‘Warning, contains nuts’ on a pack of nuts, ‘Please mind the gap’ when stepping off a train. What are we, idiots? I even saw one the other day telling me to refuse to be put in a bin.

I get seriously Paranoid sometimes that I’m eating crisps too loudly Luckily it’s just in my head

It’s stupid isn’t it how Holocaust is a subcategory for In The News. Unless you’re watching Dave, where it’s breaking news.